A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"
Yo momma's so ugly, the army doesn't use guns any more - they use her picture.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."
Wife: "Where are you? Why aren't you home yet?"
Husband: "Love, do you remember the jewellery shop on regent street where you saw a diamond necklace and fell in love with it and I couldn't afford it then, but I said 'I will get it one day for you'?"
Wife: "Yes I do, I do!"
Husband: "I am in the pub just next door to that."
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"
There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.
Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?
The box said 2-4 years!